Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Dork Review: The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises was a great movie in a series of awesome movies, meaning, for me it didn't quite, ahem, rise to the same level as the previous entry in Nolan's Batman trilogy, The Dark Knight.

The pieces were in place for Rises to match or even overcome Dark Knight. Nolan has done a superb job of tapping into the Batman mythos and pulling out the right elements to craft a believable world that is still truly Batman's. The character motivations make sense and the story ties back into previous movies in a clever way that I can't reveal because it would ruin one of the best twists involving the Batman mythology that Nolan has ever pulled off.

Additionally, the ending was a satisfying conclusion for the arc started in Batman Begins. As I don't want to spoil it, let me just say this, even if you've heard some of the spoilers out there, as I had, you will still end up being surprised and pleased at how Nolan wrapped things up.

Rises has all of the above, as well as amazing action, pathos, and humor, so why didn't it match The Dark Knight? The answer is simple; it felt too damn long.

Sandwiched between all those awesome moments are some tedious bits that could have easily been condensed or even eliminated without losing much if anything at all. Rises is by no means a bloated waste, but it definitely is carrying around a little bit more time than it needs. By the end of watching it I could feel the time I'd invested, as opposed to when I saw The Avengers earlier this year and let the theater wondering where the time had gone. I ended up going and seeing The Avengers a second time. I enjoyed Rises but have no overwhelming desire to see it again in the near future.

Despite the flaws I've noted above this is still a film that should be seen in theaters so that you get the full scope of its grandeur and glory.

Friday, July 6, 2012

A Conversation With Intelligent Mold

Hi! How are you?

Gah! What the hell?

Really, no need to be rude. I was just introducing myself.

Uh, sorry. It's not everyday a moldy loaf of bread talks.

Understandable. I'd be freaked out too, if I was you.

So what are you?

That's a rather rude question.

Sorry, but it's still a valid one. I don't remember buying talking bread the last time I was in the grocery store.

You didn't, and I'm not bread. I'm the mold on the bread.

Really? Mold already? I thought I just bought that bread.

Intelligent mold is talking to you and that's what you focus on, how long it's been since you bought bread?

I'm trying not to think about mold or bread talking to me. I figure I've hit my head and this is all just a hallucination.

So, you're saying you don't think I'm real.

Pretty much. I mean, what are the chances of mold actually talking?

Better than average really. We've tried communicating for years using visual cues, but only recently have we tried vibrating at frequencies you can understand.

Visual cues?

Yeah. I mean, wherever you guys have been we show up. Do you think we'd hang around without there being a good reason?

Never considered it really. I always just thought mold was something that just happened.

Mold never just happens, trust me. But anyways, enough chit chat, time to get down to brass tacks.


Thanks for all you've done for making the world a better for us. Raising the overall temperature and getting more moisture into the air, beautiful work. And creating more places for us to grow, sheer genius.

Uh, you're welcome, I guess.

In return for this we've decided to offer you the secret to world peace.

Okay, cool, uh, thanks. So what is it?

Not so fast, buddy. This doesn't come cheap. You've made things good for us, but we think they can be better and we have a price that needs to be met.

Alright, what's the price?



Yes, bread.

Like the stuff you're growing on now or money, cause I don't have much of either.

Silly human, what would we do with money? It's a terrible growth medium. No, we want all the bread.

All of it? Even the hot cross buns?

Especially those. I have cousins that love growing on those suckers.

I don't know if I'm the right person to talk about this. Have you tried President Obama, or Prime Minister Harper?

Yeah, but there's never anything moldy enough near Obama to speak to and Harper threatened us with a gag order if we didn't give him exclusive rights to our information.

I think you're out of luck then. If it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to book an appointment with my doctor for some tests and maybe a psych eval. It's been nice chatting, and I hope you find someone who can help. I'm just going to store you in this garbage can for now.

Wait! Don't....nuts he's gone. Ooooo...rotting meat. Don't mind if I do.