A Conversation With Intelligent Mold

Hi! How are you?

Gah! What the hell?


Really, no need to be rude. I was just introducing myself.

Uh, sorry. It's not everyday a moldy loaf of bread talks.


Understandable. I'd be freaked out too, if I was you.

So what are you?


That's a rather rude question.

Sorry, but it's still a valid one. I don't remember buying talking bread the last time I was in the grocery store.


You didn't, and I'm not bread. I'm the mold on the bread.

Really? Mold already? I thought I just bought that bread.


Intelligent mold is talking to you and that's what you focus on, how long it's been since you bought bread?

I'm trying not to think about mold or bread talking to me. I figure I've hit my head and this is all just a hallucination.

So, you're saying you don't think I'm real.

Pretty much. I mean, what are the chances of mold actually talking?

Better than average really. We've tried communicating for years using visual cues, but only recently have we tried vibrating at frequencies you can understand.


Visual cues?

Yeah. I mean, wherever you guys have been we show up. Do you think we'd hang around without there being a good reason?

Never considered it really. I always just thought mold was something that just happened.

Mold never just happens, trust me. But anyways, enough chit chat, time to get down to brass tacks.

Ummm...okay.

Thanks for all you've done for making the world a better for us. Raising the overall temperature and getting more moisture into the air, beautiful work. And creating more places for us to grow, sheer genius.

Uh, you're welcome, I guess.

In return for this we've decided to offer you the secret to world peace.

Okay, cool, uh, thanks. So what is it?

Not so fast, buddy. This doesn't come cheap. You've made things good for us, but we think they can be better and we have a price that needs to be met.

Alright, what's the price?

Bread.

Bread?

Yes, bread.

Like the stuff you're growing on now or money, cause I don't have much of either.

Silly human, what would we do with money? It's a terrible growth medium. No, we want all the bread.

All of it? Even the hot cross buns?

Especially those. I have cousins that love growing on those suckers.

I don't know if I'm the right person to talk about this. Have you tried President Obama, or Prime Minister Harper?

Yeah, but there's never anything moldy enough near Obama to speak to and Harper threatened us with a gag order if we didn't give him exclusive rights to our information.

I think you're out of luck then. If it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to book an appointment with my doctor for some tests and maybe a psych eval. It's been nice chatting, and I hope you find someone who can help. I'm just going to store you in this garbage can for now.

Wait! Don't....nuts he's gone. Ooooo...rotting meat. Don't mind if I do.